The power of boundaries: How unresolved emotions affect relationships and the path to being listened to and understood.
Jan Yuhasz, MA, MFT and Jillian Yuhasz, MA, MFT, authors of Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method For Elevating Your Value and Relationships
In our fast-paced, interconnected world, emotional triggers are a common experience. These triggers are often remnants of unresolved past experiences from childhood or unhealthy relationships and can dramatically affect our interactions in both personal and professional environments. Understanding and addressing these triggers is important to maintain healthy relationships and align with our core values, which in turn helps us set boundaries and honor our true truths.
Understanding Emotional Triggers
Emotional triggers are reactions to environmental stimuli (words, actions, situations) that provoke a strong emotional response. These reactions often stem from past experiences, trauma, or unresolved conflicts. When triggered, our reactions can be disproportionate to the current situation, leading to misunderstandings, conflict, and strained relationships.
For example, a colleague's constructive criticism can trigger feelings of inadequacy rooted in past experiences of harsh criticism from a parent. In personal relationships, a partner's innocent comment can trigger an intense emotional response due to unresolved anxieties and past wounds. If these emotional reactions are not healed, you may end up projecting onto a new person based on your past experiences. This can lead to a vicious cycle of ongoing patterns that ruin your lifestyle and relationships.
Impact on relationships
Personal Relationships: Misunderstandings: Emotional triggers can cloud judgement and prevent effective communication. Instead of responding to the current situation, we react based on past hurts, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Often these emotional triggers reflect our attachment style towards our parents and the wounds that have yet to heal. So instead of addressing the issues with our parents, they are projected onto relationships with partners, friends, or other family members.
Trust issues: When unresolved feelings come to the surface, they can undermine trust in your current relationship. Overreacting to minor issues or projecting past experiences onto your partner creates an atmosphere of tension and anxiety.
Professional Relationships: Workplace Conflict: In the workplace, unresolved triggers can lead to conflict with coworkers, managers, or executives. Unresolved fears of failure, or even success, can lead to maladaptive coping mechanisms such as perfectionism, procrastination, control, self-importance, and overthinking. Defense power etc.
Reduced Productivity: Emotional dissatisfaction drains your mental and emotional energy, reducing your overall productivity and performance. This can impact your career growth, company culture, and revenue streams.
Alignment with Core Values
Core values are fundamental beliefs that guide our actions and decision-making processes. Aligning with these values helps us stay true to ourselves even in the face of emotional stimuli. Understanding and living by your core values helps you set healthy boundaries and respond to situations with more integrity.
When someone responds based on emotional triggers, they are often in an ego state. This tends to escalate conflict and further disconnects relationships. Conversely, when a person is able to respond to emotional triggers based on values, they are able to communicate with a heart-centered mindset. When acting based on values, individuals are more likely to be heard and understood because emotions are often a one-sided perspective, whereas values are universally respected.
Self-Reflection: Identify your triggers: Reflect on past experiences and identify recurring emotional triggers. Understanding the root causes of these triggers is the first step to addressing them. Examples of identifying triggers include “feeling ignored,” “feeling blindsided,” and “feeling betrayed.”
Identify your core values: Identify your core values, such as honesty, integrity, trust, communication, and transparency. These values act as a compass and guide your reactions and interactions. Often, the values we need to fulfill are the opposite of our emotional triggers. In other words, our values are our voice to fulfill our deeper needs in a way that helps others understand us better.
Setting Boundaries: Communicate Clearly: Once we are aware of our triggers and core values, communicating boundaries becomes very clear and simple. When we are aligned with our true truth – our values - we can speak assertively from a place of high values and honor the respect we so rightly deserve. This not only improves our own mental peace, it reduces the likelihood of triggering situations and bridges relationship disconnects.
Respect yourself: Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect. It honors your true essence and strengthens your commitment to protecting your emotional well-being. And when you set boundaries from a we mindset instead of a me mindset, you not only meet your personal needs, but also your relationship needs for growth and improvement. Boundaries aren't meant to shut others out like an ultimatum. Boundaries are cultivated to build greater trust and clarity in relationships.
Controlling your emotions: Practice mindfulness: When emotions are not under control, it is difficult to set boundaries. Self-love is how we cultivate our mental and emotional health every day, and it only takes 10 minutes at most. Try engaging in mindfulness practices like meditation, deep breathing, and journaling. These practices can help you stay calm and respond to triggers calmly and thoughtfully. When emotions are not under control, we can unconsciously give our power over those who trigger us.
Seek support: Don't hesitate to seek support from a counselor or coach. Professional guidance can provide valuable insight and coping strategies to manage your emotional triggers.
How Boundaries Increase Your Value and Relationships
1. Boost your self-esteem and self-confidence
When you set boundaries, you affirm your self-worth and show that you value your needs and feelings. This self-esteem fosters self-confidence, because you don't have to sacrifice your own happiness to fit in with others. Confident people are often seen as more trustworthy and reliable, which increases their value in both personal and professional relationships. Respecting your own boundaries sets the standard for how others should treat you, leading to more respectful and balanced interactions.
2. Promote healthy communication
Boundaries promote open and honest communication by establishing clear standards. When both parties understand each other's limits, it's easier to discuss issues without fear of overstepping or causing unintended harm. This clarity reduces misunderstandings and conflicts and fosters a more harmonious relationship. Healthy communication is the foundation of any strong relationship, and boundaries play a key role in facilitating this.
3. Prevent frustration, resentment and distrust
Without boundaries, you will always be doing others a favour, which can lead to mistrust and resentment. Setting boundaries allows you to effectively manage your emotions and needs, ensure you are heard and understood, while building mutual respect in your personal and professional relationships.
Boundaries are essential to maintaining self-esteem, fostering healthy communication, and preventing disconnection. Setting and maintaining clear boundaries can increase your value in relationships and create a more balanced and fulfilling lifestyle. The power of boundaries will strengthen your interactions and protect your emotional well-being as you embark on your journey reading Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method for Elevating Your Value and Relationships. Are you ready to take back your power? Get your copy of Boundary Badass here.
***********
Jan Yuhas, MA, MFT and Jillian Yuhas, MA, MFT are relationship and conflict resolution consultants and international bestselling authors of Boundary Badass: A Powerful Method For Elevating Your Value and Relationships. For over a decade, Jan and Jillian have coached highly ambitious executives, businesses, and families to build stronger relationships, grow in their leadership, and master the art of setting personal and professional boundaries. Packed with practical advice and techniques, individuals can easily navigate difficult conversations with family, romantic partners, colleagues, friends, and more to foster relationship harmony. Their collective wisdom and the Boundary Badass Method will pave the way for success in your personal and professional relationships. Learn more at www.janandjillian.com.
Leave a Reply