Why it happened again…and how to avoid it
Written by Patti Clark
I'm Patti, and I'm an addict. I first came clean in 1988, two days before my 30th birthday. I wanted to start a family, but I knew that my addiction would be a huge hindrance to being a good mother. I knew this for a fact because my own mother died of alcoholism when I was 16 years old. I went to my first 12-step meeting determined not to be a mother. I read books, worked with great sponsors, made a commitment… and then I got a little arrogant and stopped going to meetings. I thought I would be fine if I had a couple of drinks once in a while. My sons are older and in school, and other moms would gather after school to drink wine on the deck while their kids played together. I was confident that I was in control…until I wasn't. After about 13 years of sobriety, I started drinking again, but it quickly spiraled out of control. I hid my drinking, I drank and drove, I did all the things I swore I would never do. It took me over 13 years of trying to drink like a normal person before I admitted again that I was truly an alcoholic.
When I got sober again in 2014, I decided to do a little research on why so many women in recovery relapse. I interviewed women I met at meetings who had relapsed and read several articles about relapse (Psychology Today, National Library of Medicine, Alcohol and Drug Foundation, to name a few). What I learned didn't surprise me that much, I've been there and it was intuitive.
The main reasons I've heard and read seem to fall into five broad categories.
emotional and psychological stress
Women appear to be more susceptible to emotional and psychological stress such as depression, anxiety, and PTSD. Many women I spoke to experienced higher levels of depression and anxiety when they stopped drinking or using drugs. Drug and alcohol use helped relieve anxiety. And if they don't seek help through counseling or other therapies, the emotional distress they feel often leads to relapse as a way to self-medicate. The women I spoke to also said that when they stopped drinking, they felt more sad and lonely, which led them to return to drug use.
social and environmental pressures
Research seems to show that women often face higher levels of social stigma related to addiction, which can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation. These feelings of guilt and shame can lead to relapse.
Hormonal and biological factors
Research also shows that biological factors may act in a similar way for women. Hormonal fluctuations related to the menstrual cycle, pregnancy, postpartum, and menopause can affect mood and emotional stability, making women more susceptible to relapse than men.
socio-economic challenges
Economic instability and financial pressure can be a significant source of stress and lead to relapse. Women, especially those with families, are often economically dependent on others. Many of the women I spoke to were single mothers, and financial stress was often a major factor in relapse.
5. Relationship problems
For the women I spoke to, the number one cause of relapse was some type of relationship dysfunction. Women described efforts to stay clean and sober as their partners continued to use, or they described seeing someone outside of recovery that led to relapse. Some women explained that domestic violence led to relapse. And almost every woman I spoke to described some degree of family life stress that led to relapse. They try to manage home and family responsibilities, such as childcare, caregiving, and balancing home and work life without proper support.
My own research and experience has allowed me to understand several strategies for myself and others to stay clean and sober. The first thing I had to realize was that one size does not fit all and that as a woman I needed to focus on what worked for me.
The women I spoke to said they needed to develop healthy coping strategies. Some of the most common strategies were mindfulness, exercise, and creative expression.
Some women said they needed available treatment options. Treatment options available to women with limited income should preferably include childcare and gender-specific services.
And finally, and I believe most importantly, I and most of the women I spoke with needed a strong support network. Building strong, supportive relationships was the one challenge that all the women I spoke to agreed on. Some women found much-needed support in 12-step groups. However, some women found certain 12-step groups to be very patriarchal, outdated, and even hostile. I personally found myself needing to create a new 12-step group in the small town I lived in. It focused on spiritual sobriety and welcomed women's emotional needs. .
By doing my own research and speaking with women who have relapsed, I was able to understand and address the unique factors that contribute to relapse in women. And it helped create a recovery community where I felt safe and supported. It fostered long-term recovery and was a place where I could grow.
Author bio:
Author Patti Clark has been described as a cross between Elizabeth Gilbert and Julia Cameron. Patti is an award-winning international best-selling author and an accomplished speaker and workshop leader. This Way Up: Seven Tools for Unleashing Your Creative Self and Transforming Your Life was awarded the International Excellence Self-Help Book of the Year. Patty has been featured on various TV shows and podcasts including TVNZ's Breakfast Show. Her work has been featured in numerous publications, including The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, Mindful Words, and Thrive Global. Her own experiences as a middle-aged woman in recovery are deeply reflected in her new book, Recovery Road Trip: Finding Purpose and Connection on the Journey Home.
Patti was born and raised in Northern California and earned her bachelor's degree and master's degree in education from the University of California, Berkeley. She has traveled extensively and taught in Japan, Togo in West Africa, Costa Rica, and various states in the United States. She lived in New Zealand for many years, but now lives in Portugal.
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